Worst Lovers or Mr Number 5
by EpimetheusUnbound
Summary: America has made the top 5, of worst lovers. He seeks help and who better to help than Canada. M/M AmeriCan
1. Chapter 1

**Mr. Number 5**

I wrote this in play format with the notion of making it into a manga.

I have no association with the creators of _Hetalia_ and have no rights therein.

.

**WORLD'S WORST LOVERS:**

**WORLD'S BEST LOVERS:**

1\. Germany (too smelly)

1\. Spain

2\. England (too lazy)

2\. Brazil

3\. Sweden (too quick)

3\. Italy

4\. Holland (too rough)

4\. France

5\. America (too dominating)

5\. Ireland

6\. Greece (too lovey-dovey)

6\. South Africa

7\. Wales (too selfish)

7\. Australia

8\. Scotland (too loud)

8\. New Zealand

9\. Turkey (too sweaty)

9\. Denmark

10\. Russia (too hairy)

10\. Canada

**Scene 1: **The setting is Warsaw, Poland. England and Germany are drinking at a bar. France walks in addressing them in a mocking tone. Canada is there in the background, but nobody notices. He doesn't have a drink.

**France: **(4th best lover) Hey, England, have you seen this pole? It says that the English are the second worst lovers in the world. Their laziness is only exceeded by the Germans' smelliness.

[England is already aware of this pole, everyone is.]

**German **(worst lover, smelliness) **England:** (2nd worst lover, laziness) Shut up you bloody bastard!

[Both Germany and England move aggressively towards France when America walks in.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) England? Are you here, someone told me you were in here. Oh, you're here France.

**France: **(4th best lover) Hey, Mr. 5! Do you need some advice about how to not be so pushy?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Shut up, France. I didn't come here to talk to you, I need to talk to England about something.

[At this point Spain, the Italian brothers, and Prussia wonder in. They have already been drinking and are slightly tipsy.]

**France: **(4th best lover) Hey, America! Learn to read the room. [mocking voice]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I told you to shut it, France!

**France: **(4th best lover) Oh, America's being too dominating again.

[Prussia trying to pat America's arm in a soothing manner, while at the same time using America to steady himself.]

**Prussia:** (Germans: worst lovers, smelliness) Calm down America, drink and relax, what are you getting so worked up about?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Let go! Get off of me, you stink!

**Germany: **(worst lover, smelliness) America, shut up about my brother!

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Get away from me, you both stink.

**France: **(4th best lover) Hehehe! You really like telling people what to do, don't you America.

**Spain:** (best lover) Now, now, why don't we just all calm down and get along.

**France: **(4th best lover) At least being bossy is better than being lazy, right, England?

[England, who had been making his drunken way over to France, finally reaches him. He grabs France's shoulder spinning him around and punches him in the face.]

**France: **(4th best lover) Oh! Not my face!

[Bar fight ensues until polish police break up the fight.]

**Scene 2: **Next scene, they're all on their knees before Poland. They're in the drunk tank, being lectured by Poland.

**Poland:** Like man, this is really annoying. Could you, like, not do this at my house? I was, like, totally busy. I'm, like, trying to think of ways to sell sexy men's underwear. Maybe a magazine.

**Scene 3:** Canada is sitting alone in the bar, the lights click off.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Maple.

**Scene 4: **America and England are in England's hotel room.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) England, do you think I'm pushy? [Memories float to the surface of America's mind where he says things like: "I'm putting it in.", "I can't hold back anymore.", or "Objection over ruled." while his partner is saying not yet.]

**England:** (2nd worst lover, laziness) I don't think you're that bad. [Images drift to England's mind of himself just laying there, while his partner works to pleasure him.] Listen, can we just drop this topic? I mean, poles aren't even that reliable. Most people don't bother to respond to poles.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Right, of course, you're right. There's no way that a hero could be a bad lover. That pole is just not representative.

**Scene 5:** America walking through a hallway of the hotel. He runs into France again. Canada is standing in the background, but nobody notices him.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) What? Are you going to start mocking me again?

**France: **(4th best lover) Now, now, big brother didn't mean to hurt your feelings. How about you let me make up to you? Why don't you come to my room for a drink? I could give you some lessons in the art of love.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Aren't you worried that I'll be too dominating?

**France: **(4th best lover) Listen, it's just a matter of being aware of what others want. That's always been a weakness of yours in every aspect of your life. Come on, join me. I'll teach you all kinds of things.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) That won't be necessary. You should go now.

**France: **(4th best lover) Yes, sir. [Said sarcastically.]

_exit France_

[America walks right into Canada.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey! Watch where you're going! Oh, Canada, it's you.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Hey, America. I'll get out of your way.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Actually, come with me. [America grabs Canada's arm and pulls him down the hallway.]

**Scene 6: **America's hotel room. Canada and America are both there.

women/best-sex-positions

women/sex/best-sex-move-ever-0809

America is fidgeting and flushed. He's avoiding eye contact.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey, Mattie, can you give me some tips?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Tips? [Canada looks puzzled.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Sex, Mattie! [Said in an aggressive whisper.] I want you to teach me how to be better at sex.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Oh. [Mattie smirks.] Really, your biggest problem is that your just doing it for your own pleasure and don't care about your partner. You need to be more aware of your partner and what they're feeling and what they need.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) That's kind of what France said. But that's not very helpful. Could you be more specific? Like give me proper lessons.

[Mattie looks thoughtful.]

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Okay, but you'll have to follow my rules and do what I say.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Fine. When do we start.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) First off, you need to stop having sex.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) What? Just because I'm bad at it doesn't mean that I shouldn't be allowed to have sex.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) That's not what I mean. Sex has become too commonplace and too meaningless to you. You just go for immediate gratification. You need to work on your foreplay and get your partner in the mood. You can do all sexual acts, but no penetration. No oral or anal or vaginal penetration. Everything else is fine.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Man that sucks.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) You can do the sucking if you want. Just don't get sucked.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I hate you.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) You asked for my help, if you don't want it…

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) No, no! I'll do whatever you say.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Also, you're not allowed to have any sexual contact with anyone but me.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You're evil dude.

**FIRST LESSON: WHAT AM I THINKING?**

The next day America meets up with Canada during a break in the meetings.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) I've given this some thought. You need to get better at reading the mood. I want you to start trying to guess what I'm feeling and thinking. Now can you guess what I'm thinking?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You're thinking about sex?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) No. Are you even trying?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You're thinking about lecturing me.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Why do you think that?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Because everyone's always lecturing me.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) What I'm thinking is that when you've got some time you should go to the library and read some books about body language.

**Scene 7:** Later that evening in the library. There are a few other patrons about, including Japan, Austria, Germany, and France. Entrat Alfred. Alfred spots Japan and drapes on him. Japan squirms uncomfortably.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Ohio Nihon!

[A few of the patrons, Austria included look up censoriously at the loud American.]

**Japan:** America, keep it down, this is a library.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Ah man, Japan, just looking at you is making me so horny. [Japan blushes furiously and starts trying to swat the big American off the back of his chair. Alfred doesn't seem to even notice these efforts. Alfred wraps his arms around Japan, pinning the older nation's arms to his side.] Hey, Nihon, you've like had lots of sex, right? I mean you've like had sex with everybody?

**Japan: **[Finally escaping the American's grasp, jumps from his chair and faces the American. Kiku's voice is raised to match the American's speaking voice.] What are you saying? I don't just go around sleeping with anybody!

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [Goes on without paying much attention to what Japan is saying.] Hey, tell me how you have sex, like what you do and what you like having done to you.

**Japan: **No! Hey, are you even listening? [In the background, Austria has been getting increasingly annoyed. He slams his book down and heads over to Japan and America, only to be intercepted by France.]

**France: **(4th best lover) Hey, it's just getting good. [France says in a proper library voice.] Anyway, there's no use getting into an argument with Alfred. [Austria sighs and leaves the library. Exit Austria.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey, Japan, are you even listening to me? Tell me about the last time you had sex. [France approaches America and Japan.]

**France: **(4th best lover) Yeah, Japan. Tell us about the last time you had sex. Male or female? Human or…? [France smirks suggestively. Japan looks daggers at France.] Please tell us all about it. I'm not going to judge whichever way your tastes happen to lie at the moment. [America actually seems to be paying attention to the conversation.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey, Nihon, you haven't been humping body pillows again? [Said with a frown.]

**Japan: **[Finally snaps.] If I did, they would still be better lovers than you, America! [America looks like he's been slapped across the face. Japan visibly wilts, regretting his hasty words.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I see. I'm sorry for disturbing you. You must have a lot of work to get done. I do to as a matter of fact. I won't take up anymore of your time. [America leaves to get the books he needs to study. France follows him.]

**France: **(4th best lover) America, let me help you. I'm serious. I could teach you. It would be incredibly fun.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Canada's helping me.

**France: **(4th best lover) I could help you too.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) It wouldn't work between us. There's no passion between us. It would only ever be just casual sex. I don't have the same intense feelings toward you that I have toward Canada. It's not like you have any feelings for me either.

/sites/default/files/documents/page/faf_2010poll_harris_

**France: **(4th best lover) Don't be so sure about that. [Exit France. America grabs the necessary books and begins studying them.]

Section 2 I do not own any part of _Hetalia_, but I'm a big fan. 1/13/2015

{Side note: All our condolences and all our love go out to France. I have never witnessed anything more moving than the turnout for freedom and brotherhood.}

/techniques/body/body_

**Scene 8:** America is in his room fantasizing about having sex with Japan. He would have approached the seated Japan, hugging him from the back. Then he would have moved around to kneel between Japan's legs. He would have freed Japan's cock and started to stroke it as the entire library watched. He wondered if the library had cameras; he would like video of himself giving Japan a blowjob. He liked PDA and, well, he just liked being observed while engaging in sexual acts. It was fun to have an audience. Plus, this was a special building reserved for the use of states and their support staff. These people were used to the antics of countries and there was no risk to the general public. God he would collect all the nations together and have them watch as he fucked his favorites. Still, he had promised Mattie, no sex with anyone except Canada, but that didn't mean he couldn't fantasize.

**AGGRESSION**

**Scene 9:** All of the countries are milling about a lounge where a buffet has been set out.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) So how's your studying going? Did you read the books I recommended?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Well, not all of them, but I did read some about aggression. Still, pictures and books can only tell you so much, and some of what they were saying didn't make any sense.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) What didn't make sense?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Well it was saying stuff, like prolonged eye contact and getting close to other people could be considered aggressive. That's just being friendly. It's just friendly to look people in the eye and to be close.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Not everyone feels that way and you understand that it is circumstantial. You have a terrible habit of invading personal space and draping on people. Many people feel like that is an act of dominance and find such behavior very aggressive.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) What, but I'm just being friendly. They're all my friends.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Yes, but you don't pay attention to whether they're in the mood for that level of closeness. It's only friendly if they want to be close to you as well. How would you feel if Russia stared at you, and kept staring at you, and then put his arm around you and pulled you close to his side?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I'd beat the ever-loving shit out of him.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Well, that's how you make some of the other countries feel when you just drape on them like that. [America looks shocked.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) But they never said anything.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) You don't always give them the chance and anyone would be hesitant to attack you. They're trying to be polite. You need to do the same and respect personal space and boundaries.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey, Canada, you're not like that, are you?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) No, I know how obtuse you can be, so I speak up when you're annoying. Someone has to clue you in.

[America spots France, rushes over to him and then drapes on him. He then stops himself and takes five steps away from France.]

**France: **(4th best lover) Amerique, whatever is the matter with you?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Canada told me that I shouldn't invade people's personal space.

**France: **(4th best lover) For you it is fine. You can be as close to me as you want.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [Even America noticed that France was off. America has concern in his voice.] France? How are you feeling?

**France: **(4th best lover) At the outpouring of my people, I feel loved.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You are loved France. I… we all love you.

**France: **(4th best lover) Mmmnm. I know. [France walks off to join the crowd milling about.]

[If America wanted to see aggression there was no shortage of it. He had a long list of those wishing him dead. Maybe he should go talk to DPRK, ugly bastard, or Iran. He scanned the room and his eyes landed on Russia. Now there would be a great place to practice aggression. The book had said that staring could be considered aggressive behavior, so he stared. Russia pauses slightly in his conversation, feeling the stare, then he wraps up his conversation and approaches America.]

**Russia:** (10th worst lover, hairiness) Did you need something America, or did you just forget where Russia was?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Shouldn't you shave your coat off, since we're indoors?

[America is studying Russia's body language closely. Russia unflinchingly matches America's gaze with what should have been a pleasant smile on his face. It's his eyes, America thinks; it's his eyes that belie the smile.]

**Russia:** (10th worst lover, hairiness) If you don't have any business with me I have other things to attend to.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [I'm going to use italics from now on to denote thought bubbles.] _Another form of aggression that the book mentioned was invasion of personal space._ [America approaches Russia and wraps an arm around his shoulder before he can leave.] Now, now, Russia. Don't be in such a hurry. We're all good friends here, [America leans in so that his mouth is right next to Russia's ear. He whispers.] or are you just pissed that you had to stop dicking around in Ukraine? I guess the rug burn from your hairy balls was just more than she could put up with.

**Russia:** (10th worst lover, hairiness) [Russia's smile drops and he produces a knife from nowhere making to stab the American in the gut. Nobody would see. America clearly sees the entire thing, but doesn't shift or make any move to defend himself. Russia stops, with the knife point pressed against America's gut.] You haven't called me a Commie since the '80s; do I matter so little to you. [America shifts positions, hugging Russia from behind and resting his head on Russia's shoulder. Their tones are, perhaps not friendly, but resigned.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I'm sorry about Yale. Actually, I had sort of forgot about you until the whole Ukraine thing.

**Russia:** (10th worst lover, hairiness) You're the worst.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) No, that's Germany.

**Russia:** (10th worst lover, hairiness) You care about the stupidest things. By the way, I warned you about Afghanistan.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Russia, I need you. Forget about the Middle East, forget about the rest of the world. It's just you, China and me. That's all we need.

**Russia:** (10th worst lover, hairiness) You're a real shit.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I love you.

**Russia:** (10th worst lover, hairiness) Someday you'll die and it will not be in a blaze of glory, but with a whimper.

[America pulls Russia even closer to himself, rubbing his face against Russia's and moving his hand down and inside Russia's coat. Canada approaches and hits America upside the head. America immediately releases Russia and stumbles back grabbing the side of his head.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Dude! You could have made me deaf!

**Canada:** (10th best lover) You're not human; you'll heal.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) That's not the point.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) No, the point is that I caught you making out with Russia, of all people. Have you forgotten your promise?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I haven't forgotten. I just got carried away. Russia just has this sexy accent and this James Bond aura about him.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Why the hell do you get turned on by people who want to kill you?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I don't get turned on by all of them. You couldn't pay me to sleep with someone from the Middle East or Africa. It's just that Russia's Russia dude.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) What does that even mean?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Canada, let's have sex.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) That's the least romantic thing you've ever said. If you're that horny go jack off in the toilet.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You're crueler than Russia. [America goes to the toilet and starts jacking off while thinking about Russia. He shouts Russia's name while he jacks off in the stall. Latvia had just been about to exit the stall he was in when America barrels into the adjacent stall. Latvia hesitates to leave, because America seems so aggressive. Then he hears America jacking off in the stall next to his.]

**Latvia:** _Maybe I should leave now, but what if America exits his stall at the same time? This would be very awkward. _[Then he hears America start to shout Russia's name.] _This is just weird. This is just so totally creepy. He nerves himself up to exit his stall and go wash his hands. [_America exits his stall at the same time, but doesn't even notice Latvia. America leaves the restroom without washing his hands.]

**Scene 10:** After another round of speeches the countries break off and are milling about in different rooms. This building was designed specifically to keep the countries occupied and keep them away from normal people, so there are a lot of weird rooms. America wanders into a random room and spots Latvia. America walks over and wraps an arm around Latvia. Latvia flinches.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _I guess it does bother people._ [America stops smiling. He removes his arm and backs up four paces. He holds his hand out to shake Latvia's hand.]

**Latvia: **_He didn't wash his hands. He didn't wash his hands. He didn't wash his hands. If I don't shake his hand it'll be rude. He didn't wash his hands. I'll have to remember to get this jacket dry cleaned._ [Latvia paused to long.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) What the hell; am I so overbearing that you can't even bear to shake hands? [America puts his hand down and storms out of the room.]

SECTION 3

[I'm publishing this as I write it, so I divided it into sections, because these aren't really separate chapters.]

2013/08/18/greeks-start-liking-u-s-again/

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _I need to check out this aggression thing, with someone else. Someone who I get on alright with._ [America's eyes scan the room and land on Greece. America assumes one of his blankest expressions and stares intently at Greece.] _This would be more effective if Greece's eyes were open. Wait, is he even awake._ [Greece, feeling eyes on him wakes up with a wide yawn. Blinks a couple of times and then groggily peers at the American.] _Okay, now I'll approach him and invade his personal space to see his reaction. Greece's pupils are dilating and he seems to be more alert now. That's aggressive behavior, isn't it?_ [America places his hands on both of Greece's shoulders, a sure act of aggression.] _Greece's face is flushed. He's definitely angry._

**Greece:** (6th worst lover, too lovey-dovey) Not here America. Here, come with me. [Greece leads America to an empty room.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _Wait, is it a fight? Is he going to fight me?_ You're into boxing aren't you?

**Greece:** (6th worst lover, too lovey-dovey) Mhmm, yeah, I used to box a lot, but I was into a lot of different sports, not just boxing.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Wait, not the pankration?

**Greece:** (6th worst lover, too lovey-dovey) Yes.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _I didn't mean to start a fight, I thought that Greece was more laid back than that._ [Once they are secluded in a room together, Greece approaches America slowly.] Are we starting now?

**Greece:** (6th worst lover, too lovey-dovey) Mhmm.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I don't want to hurt you man.

**Greece:** (6th worst lover, too lovey-dovey) Don't worry, I'm not that fragile. Plus I brought some olive oil.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Olive oil? [Greece starts to strip.] Ah, that right, you do this kind of thing naked.

**Greece:** (6th worst lover, too lovey-dovey) It's more traditional. Come on America, take off your clothes.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) But I had kind of planned on keeping my clothes on during this.

**Greece:** (6th worst lover, too lovey-dovey) I want to see your naked body. I want to see your skin glistening over well-defined muscle. [America takes off his clothes. Greece moves in to kiss America.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _Ah, he's attacking._ [America punches Greece right in the kisser. Greece collapses to the floor unconscious.] _Wait, he didn't block. Why didn't he block?_ [Germany, Japan, France, and Canada enter the room and espy the rather odd tableau.]

**France: **(4th best lover) You'll never get better at sex if you keep picking partners in the ten worst lovers category. You should let me teach you. Lesson one: don't knock your partner unconscious.

**Germany: **(worst lover, smelliness) America! What kind of perverted stuff are you doing in public places?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I don't want to hear that from you, Onion.

**Japan: **Yes, America. Tell us what you were doing, in detail. Don't leave anything out. [Japan snaps a picture with his phone and then begins typing notes into his phone.]

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [sotto voce] I'm sure that America has a very good reason for beating up and stripping Greece.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _Canada looks angry. Yep, that's what aggression looks like._ Wait! No! We were naked before I punched him. _Somehow that didn't seem to make the situation any better._

**Germany: **(worst lover, smelliness) Umm, well, I understand liking it rough, but if your partner is unconscious, it can no longer be considered consensual.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) No, we weren't going to have sex. We were going to box. Greece does that kind of stuff naked, right France? [France pauses, smirks, and then doubles over laughing. Canada smacks his head in his hand.]

**France: **(4th best lover) Let me assure you America, that Greece does not box in the nude any longer. He probably thought you intended to have a tryst.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Oh god! That would explain why he didn't defend himself. [France is rolling on the floor in hysterics. Germany looks like he's in pain at America's stupidity. Japan looks slightly disappointed.]

**Canada:** (10th best lover) _His brother was an idiot. A complete and utter idiot. Though he's lived with him all this time, he could still be amazed at America's absolute acts of idiocy._ America, perhaps you should put some clothes on. _He would get a more detailed explanation from America later on._

**Scene 11: **Canada and America are in Canada's bedroom. America just finished giving a detailed account of what happened between him and Greece.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I totally don't get Greece's problem. I was obviously behaving aggressively. How could he think that I was seducing him?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) How could he not think that? Listen, you can't just read a few bits in a book and expect to become an expert. This information is situational and also varies with individuals. Listen, I'm glad you're trying. I guess I should have expected there to be some mistakes. I still can't believe you would hit him though, and so hard.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Firstly, I hit him as an individual not as a nation. His country and his people weren't injured. Secondly, I thought he would block; he's an experienced fighter. Thirdly, I didn't hit him that hard, it was just a warning tap.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) A warning tap? He's lying in an hospital bed unconscious. Anyway, can you guess what I want now? [Canada looks at America coquettishly and slinks towards him.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Your thinking what an idiot I am.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) America, read my body language. [Canada circles around America, checking him out in his suit.] You know those clothes look good on you.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [America deepens is voice, a higher class Virginia drawl just barely creeping into his accent. He grabs Canada's hips, pulling them to his own.] You're thinking that it's late, so I might as well stay the night in your room. You're so thoughtful sometimes.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada kisses Alfred lightly on the lips and pulls away as he says.] I'm thinking you need to plan a romantic date. You need to sweep me off my feet and make me want it. Woo me, America.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [America bursts out in laughter.] Woo you? Who says that? [Canada looks peevish.]

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada starts ushering America out the door.] Word of advice, America, that is not how to create a romantic mood. [America is left standing in the hallway with a closed door in front of his face.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Well, this sucks, and not in the good way.

**ASSERTIVE**

**Scene 12: **It's the next morning, 9:00 a.m. and America walks hesitantly into the meeting hall and takes his seat at the round table. The whole room starts bursting out into boisterous laughter.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _Yep, word sure gets around fast. Canada is trying to look even more invisible than usual._ Ok, ok, everybody, it's time to start the meeting. What's the topic of this meeting?

**England:** (2nd worst lover, lazy) First off, Poland is the one who should be opening the bloody meeting, not you, you bloody idiot! Secondly, you should have read your briefs before coming to the meeting. [Poland steps up to the podium and smiles wickedly.]

**Poland: **Today's topic is about unprovoked attacks. [The hall breaks out in laughter again.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _Assertive behavior is all about being smooth and open. Maybe I'll just look around the room and see who looks assertive. France, Spain, Belgium, Italy… wait Italy? Wasn't that just being an idiot? Or more like, wasn't being assertive, just the same as behaving like the more Romanized countries? Hmmm, Roman, romance, maybe he should approach Spain and observe assertive behavior while getting some advice on how to have a romantic date._

**Scene 13:** Break room again. Similar spread of edibles. Canada is standing to America's right, his hand resting comfortably on America's left hip.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Now, look around the room. Read the body language. Tell me what you see.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I see Russia, glaring at me with hatred. I see Iran, glaring at me with hatred, I see most of Africa, the Middle East, and parts of Asia glaring at me with hatred.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) It's not all about you, you know. I see Ukraine looking at Russia with divided hatred. Her territory has been breached, but Russians live within her as well. I see Poland standing beside her in solidarity. I see Japan and ROK both looking at you with fondness. I see China's mixed feelings towards you, wanting to embrace you, but at the same time hesitant and judgmental of you. I see there carefully balanced relations with each other, China more approving of Korea than Japan, but even willing to work with Taiwan. I see the Europeans standing around France protectively. See how he's right in the middle of that large crowd. Belgium is standing right next to him in eager conversation.

.es/spain-news/2015/01/15/spain-to-probe-paris-gunmans-madrid-stay/

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Spain's right next to France too.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Yes, France is helping Spain clean up his crime problem. They're very close right now.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You know, I've always wondered, since the EU was created, do you think that they're having these huge orgies over there? [Canada steps back from America, eyes wide and staring at America. Then he doubles over laughing.]

**Canada:** (10th best lover) I have no idea. I've never thought of it like that. I'm sure they're all very intimate, but I don't think they all go at it at the same time.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) France looks noble, doesn't he.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) He always has.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Did you see how Belgium took out that cell? That was a beautiful piece of work. [Canada had subtly shifted behind America and was gently rubbing his lips along the back of America's neck.] Damn, how do you do that?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Do what?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _The movement of his lips against the back of my neck, when he talks, is just so damn sexy._ How do you just appear places? One moment you're standing over there, the next, you're right behind me. Hey, you are real, right, you're not like a hallucination or anything?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) If you believe in me, then I must be real.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Mattiiieee, what kinda answer is that? [Canada pulls in closer behind America, smirking into the back of his neck.] You know, if you keep doing this, I'm going to romance your fucking brains out.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Hey, America? Wanna bet that I can make you cry out "Oh, Canada" right here. [Canada's hand moves down the curve of America's hip towards his pelvis.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [Said between heavy breaths.] Stop it… you bastard… you know… I'll be the one to be blamed for it… I've gotten in trouble for exhibitionism before. [America grabs Canada's hands, just as Canada was starting to unzip America's fly.] Breaks almost over, time to head back to the meeting. [Said while removing Canada's hand from his fly, turning towards a wall and ensuring that his zipper is in its upright and locked position. America grabs hold of Canada's hand half dragging Canada back to the conference hall. Canada follows meekly, but can't help smirking to himself.]

SECTION 4

**Scene 14:** The meeting has been going on for a while; everybody decides to break for lunch. America grabs Spain's hand and drags him out of the room.

es/insider-views/living-in/Tips-on-dating-in-Spain_

spain/information/dating_in_spain_a_strategy_for_finding_love_in_the_sun/

**Spain:** (Best lover) Romano, France, Gilbert! Help! [They all pointedly ignore him.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [Forte voce] Spain's having lunch with me.

**Spain:** (Best lover) Rommmaaannnoooo!

[They're sitting at a restaurant America orders for both of them.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) We'll have pierogis. I love pierogis. Usually just buy them frozen from the grocery store. It'll be nice to have real polish pierogis.

**Spain:** (Best lover) [Spain is relaxed eyes shining and smiling gently.] How are you feeling America? Though your presence brings nothing but joy, you've seemed preoccupied. America, share your concerns with me and perhaps through the sharing find some relief.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [America pauses, takes a deep breath, and on the exhale says:] I need to plan a romantic date with Canada and I need advice. This date has to be epic. [Spain's face brightens with excitement.]

**Spain:** (Best lover) America, you've come to the right place. I'm an expert, an absolute expert. I've been romancing Romano for ages. Tell me all about your love for Canada.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) He's my brother. He's familiar. He's a warm hearted person and comforting. He makes me feel safe. I trust him absolutely. He's sometimes opinionated and sometimes arrogant, but he's always loving. Sometimes I feel like he's my conscious, my better half. Plus he's the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Violet eyes, like Elizabeth Taylor; a cupid's bow mouth; Flowing hair, with one curl seductively out of place; the physique of an athlete, he is perfect. I like the way that sometimes he can seem so normal and then go really hard core. Plus, he's awesome to hang out and just have fun with. We have a lot of the same interests and there's nothing better than just chilling together. Plus he can be freaking scary and that is like a total turn on. He's just so moe.

**Spain:** (Best lover) So, how often do you tell him all of this?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [America blushes.] I can't say all that to Mattie.

**Spain:** (Best lover) Why not? It's what you feel! It's from your heart. If you love him, you need to tell him. You need to let him know that he is your world, your everything. He is your god, like Aphrodite. Do you love your god, but never worship him? No, you sing out his praises. Every morning they are the first things on your lips. Every night you pray to him, telling him how much you worship and adore him. You need to call him and text him and when you are thinking of him you need to let him know.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Fine, I'll text him. [America flips open his phone and texts Canada: 3 U. He then hits send. His phone buzzes: 3 U back.]

**Spain:** (Best lover) [Spain reaches for America's phone.] What did you say to him? [When Spain sees the text his face wilts.] Alfred? This isn't romantic at all. Why don't you text him some of the things that you just told me about?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Huh? I don't remember what I said.

**Spain:** (Best lover) You could at least tell him how you feel.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I did tell him how I feel. [Spain smacks his head into his hand in despair.]

**Spain:** (Best lover) [Using America's cellphone, texts: Every moment that you're away, my heart sheds another tear. You complete me. Can't wait till next we meet.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You can't send that! God, that is so embarrassing! [America reaches for the phone. Spain hurriedly hits send.] You bastard. Give me that. [America retrieves his cell.]

**Spain:** (Best lover) That is part of your problem. Love is not embarrassing; love is magnificent! [Just then, America's phone vibrates: Who are you?]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Ah, it's that bear. Matthew keeps changing its name; it's had more names than Elizabeth Taylor. [America texts: Hey bear, Spain got ahold of my cell and sent some weird message. Would you delete them.] [Canada texts: It's okay, Alfred, I knew those messages couldn't be from you. I'll delete them. By the way, my bears name is Kumahooey. I wish you would start calling him by his name. It's not that hard to remember. Bye.] [America texts: Bye.] You know, Spain, maybe I should make my texts more romantic. Anyway, thank you for the advice. We should get going; we don't want to be late back to the meeting. [Back in the meeting, though America couldn't be described as quiet, he lacks his usual joie de vivre.]

**Scene 15: **The meeting lets out and Canada and America exeunt together. America is looking very nervous and jittery.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Canada…you're a flower.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Huh, America, are you feeling alright?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I mean…you're like an ice flower…wait, that would be snow. _Oh god, I'm really tanking._

**Canada:** (10th best lover) America, are you cold? Would you like to borrow a sweater?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I mean you're like a maple flower.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Are you high? Listen, you need to spend less time in Colorado.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) No, I mean you're sweet like maple syrup. [Canada stops and stares at America nonplussed.] I mean you're like better than 50 burgers dude.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Do you have the munchies? Here let's head to the kitchen. [Canada grabs America's upper arm and gently guides him toward the building's kitchens.] I'll make you some pancakes.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Ah, Canada, no, wait.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Oh, would you rather have burgers? I guess they could be good with maple syrup.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hmm, well yeah, but Mrs. Obama would skin me. She's on this health kick. _Wait, this isn't right. How did we end up talking about food?_

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Ah, so you're on a diet?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Yeah.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada approaches the kitchen cabinets.] That explains it. How about some oatmeal?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Steal cut?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Yeah. There's also fresh strawberries.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I prefer peaches. _No, no, no. I was trying to be romantic. How is this romantic?_

**Canada:** (10th best lover) They've got frozen peaches.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Strawberries are fine. [Canada finishes preparing the oatmeal and puts the bowl in front of America. Canada pours some maple syrup over the top.] Hey, not too much; I'm trying to keep my calorie count low.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Okay, I guess no cream then.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) No, thanks, and thank you for making this. Your cooking really is the best.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada watches America eat, a warm light in his eyes.] My country isn't especially known for its cooking.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Maybe not, but it's warm and comforting. It makes me feel like home.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada smiles.] _Sure, Alfred isn't very romantic, but sometimes he says things like that. It makes Canada feel loved, because when he says these things, you know he means them._

**Scene 16:** America enters a bar where Francis, Spain, and Prussia are all drinking together. America sits down at their table glaring at Spain.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You suck and your advice sucks.

**Prussia:** (Germans: worst lovers, smelliness) What's up with him? [Spain launches into an explanation, which America finishes. Gilbert bursts out laughing.] That's so totally you. There's no way you could be romantic. It just doesn't suit you.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Shut up Gil.

**France: **(4th best lover) Now wait a minute. [France looks thoughtful.] I think you could be romantic; you just need a little practice.

**Prussia:** (Germans: worst lovers, smelliness) France, stop trying to get into America's pants.

**France: **(4th best lover) [France looks annoyed.] Listen, what do you do before you go into a job interview?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Well, I practice. I think of likely questions and good responses. I go over the points that I want to make and make an outline. I'll do practice interviews.

**France: **(4th best lover) That's right, so do the same thing for when you're planning to romance Matthew. Write down the points you want to make. Think about how you're going to say things. You might even start reading poetry to improve your linguistic skills.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) So I should make a plan in advance and practice. Is that what you and Spain have been doing?

**France: **(4th best lover)** Spain:** (best lover) [In chorus.] No.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You suck. You both suck.

**Spain:** (best lover) [Smirks.] That's true. [The rest burst out in laughter, even America.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) That's why I like hanging with you guys. You totally know how to lighten the mood.

**Prussia:** (Germans: worst lovers, smelliness) That's just my awesomeness at work. You're welcome by the way.

**Spain:** (best lover) Now America, pay attention. [Spain brushes his index finger along the line of France's jaw, gently guiding France to face him.] When I think about yesterday, the only thing that I remember is meeting you.

**France: **(4th best lover) And I had not truly seen the sun until you smiled at me. [Prussia and America are looking incredulous.]

**Spain:** (best lover) There is no one I trust so much as you. There is no one I would rather have by my side than you.

**Prussia:** (Germans: worst lovers, smelliness) Don't you mean behind your back. [America laughs and Gilbert winks at him.] Just my awesomeness at work again. Well, I better be leaving before you two start making out.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I better go too.

**Scene 17: **America enters his room with a sigh, stripping down to his boxers, which were a red, white, and blue old school camouflage pattern. He's just lied down when there's a knock at the door. Cursing under his breath he goes to answer it.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) My, we are a bit crabby. Do you always answer your door in your underwear?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _God he looks hot._ Only when I'm desperate to fuck my baby brother. [America opens the door wider as Canada slinks in.] _Yeah, move those hips baby. That ass should be illegal._

**Canada:** (10th best lover) You're so vulgar Al. [Canada says as he removes his tie.] Take your boxers off and sit on the bed. It's time for your practicum. [America complies and Canada wraps his tie over Alfred's eyes as a make shift blind fold. Canada then proceeds to remove the rest of his clothes, neatly hanging them up in the closet. Alfred is relaxing on the bed.] Now, Alfred I need you to pay attention and tell me what you feel. [Canada begins to nudge his curl against the soul of Alfred's foot.] Hah, do you feel that Al?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I don't feel anything.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Matt moves up and starts caressing Al's ankle with his curl. Matt's breathing becomes heavier and he's flushed.] What about now?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I think I feel something. I can't tell what it is. Matt? Why are you breathing so heavy? What the hell are you touching me with?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Nngh! [Matt starts rubbing his curl against the inside of America's thigh.] America! Huh, huh. America! [America starts to get hard from listening to Matt.] What do you feel now? Nngh!

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) It feels like a bug. It feels like a spider or something. Mattie, tell me you're not jerking off while watching a spider crawl up me?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Matt stops, moving away from America. He looks a little startled.] What the fuck, Al. I wouldn't do something like that. Don't you trust me?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Matt, I trust you with my life, but you've got to admit that you've done some pretty kinky stuff before.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Get out. [Matt's voice isn't loud, but it's deadly serious. Matt pulls the blindfold off of America. Canada then pulls America off the bed and starts shoving him toward the door.] Get out! [forte]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Wait! Matt! What happened?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) You said my curl felt like a spider. Al, I don't know what kind of sick fantasies you have, but I don't get off from watching spiders. [Canada shoves America out of the door of the hotel room.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Oh, so it was your curl. Wait! No! Matt! Stop! I'm naked! [Matt grabs America's clothes and flings them out the door.] Mattie! [Hotel room doors open, countries sleepily peeking out at the cause of the commotion. America quickly grabs his clothes and puts them on amidst wolf whistles and cat calls. America storms to his hotel room and slams the door.

**Scene 18:** America is in his room. He's incredibly frustrated and pissed as hell.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Damn, damn, DAMN! [America punches his fist through the wall.] What the hell! I thought this building was made to withstand state's strength.

**Japan: **It is. [Japan pops his head through the hole in the wall.] Most countries, that is. Is something bothering you, America?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hahahaha. You look so funny with your head sticking through the wall. You look like a hunter's trophy. You should be wearing antlers. Hahahahaha. [America then remembers why there's a hole in the wall and sobers.] Japan, I upset Mattie, and this time it really wasn't my fault. [Alfred explains what happened to Japan.]

**Japan: **Ah, so that's why you were standing in the hallway naked.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Kiku.

**Japan: **America, if we are going to continue talking, would you come to my room, or I could come to yours. This position is very uncomfortable.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I'm coming over, wait there.

SECTION 5

**Japan: **[America heads out of his room.] _If I wait here, I won't be able to let you in._ [Japan lets America into his room.] Have a seat. Would you like something to drink or eat?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Do you have hot cocoa? I'm really depressed.

**Japan: **We would either have to go to the kitchen, or I could order room service. There is a hot water dispenser and packets of tea and coffee.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [America waves his hand dismissively.] Don't bother.

**Japan:** _He looks so depressed._ I do have some chocolate liquor. [America keeps talking, and Japan keeps consoling him. America is getting drunker and drunker.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Why aren't you drinking, Japan?

**Japan:** Because you took the bottle and drank it all. Maybe you should call it a night. Do you need me to help you back to your room?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey, Kiku, how you like some extra access to my ports right now? [Then America tries to plant a sloppy kiss on Japan. Japan easily dodges and helps America back to his room. When they get back to America's room America shifts positions, wrapping both arms around Japan's waist. There's about a foot between them. America sways his hips from side to side.] Japan, why don't you stay here tonight? I need you to comfort me some more. [America drags a finger down Japan's jaw line to his chin and then down his throat. Japan distances himself and makes to leave.]

**Japan:** You're drunk Alfred. Go to bed.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Only if you come with.

**Japan:** Go to bed, alone, and go to sleep. Then when you've sobered up, you should just try talking to Canada. It was just a misunderstanding; I'm sure that you can work it out. [Japan goes back to his room and is asleep when he hears loud banging from the hallway and a drunken America yelling. Japan rushes out into the hallway. There are other nations emerging from their rooms as well. America is banging on Canada's door.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Open this damn door Mattie.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) No. Go back to your own room and go to sleep.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Normally, I'd just break this damn door down, but that might be seen as being to dominating. So I'm gonna start with some soft power. _No response, you think just ignoring me is going to work?_ Hey Mattie. You were the one who threw me out, naked, into the hallway. Tell you what, I'm horny as hell right now. If you don't let me in, I'll strip and then cum all over your door.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [The shot is now in Canada's room. Canada is standing in the middle of the room, facing the door.] _No way. No way would he do that, even drunk, there's just no way._ [Mattie starts to hear cat calls and whistles from the other side of the door.]

**Japan: **[The shot is now from the hallway again. Japan just stands there and stares as Alfred starts stripping.] _Shouldn't someone be stopping him?_ [Japan looks around at the other nations. America is now naked except for his socks. The noise level in the hall rises further.] You forgot to take off your socks. _That wasn't what I meant to say._

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Oh, thanks, Kiku. [America removes his socks. Leans against Canada's door with one hand and starts jacking off with the other.] Mattie, I'm going to use some soft power, but it's going to get hard real fast Mattie. [America giggles at his own joke as he strokes the shaft of his dick in a familiar rhythm.] _I'm already getting hard; well, I was pretty horny to begin with._

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Shot switches to Canada's room. Canada is sitting with his back against the door. He hears America's breathing getting faster. He hears the soft grunts and pleasurable moans. Then he hears America cry out in pleasurable ecstasy.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Oh, Canada! [The shot switches to the hallway. America is thumbing the tip of his cock.] Hey Matt, tell me what you want me to do. Tell me what I should do with my hands. _Still no answer._

wiki/O_Canada

.

[America starts twisting his hand around the base of his penis, the way you would turn a doorknob. Keeping that motion he slowly works his hand up his shaft. He then starts to sing, in a panting breathy voice.]

wiki/American_Canadian

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Our home and native land! Ahhh, Nhhnmmm!

**Canada:** (10th best lover) It is not! What the fuck are you doing? You dipshit!

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _Ah, he's finally talking to me. _It is. Do you know how many of my people emigrate to or even just travel to Canada?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) That's only because they can't stand you.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [America flattens both of his hands and rests them on either side of his cock. He then starts thrusting with his hips.] True patriot love, ahhh, in all they sons command.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada is now standing up, looking fiercely at the door.] Are you high? Are you fucking high?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I am a little tipsy. How about you let me in so that I can lie down. _Ahhh, this friction feels so good._ _He's really pissed, heee heee._ With glowing hearts we see thee rise. Hey Canada. I wanna see you rise, let me see you rise. Ohh yeah! Hahaha, The true North strong and free! Oh Canada [America grasps his scrotum with his left hand, using the movement of his hips to create a tugging sensation. He holds his right hand in an open fist and pumps his dick into it.] Canada, let me in. I want your true North in my deep South. _He's being quiet again. I want to hear his voice. God how I want to hear his voice._

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada is standing red faced, with his hand flat against the door. Sotto voce.] You weird ass bastard. Seriously, what are you doing?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) _There it is, his voice, Canada's voice. _I'm singing you a love song. What do you think I'm doing?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada's arm relaxes causing him to lean closer to the door. His eyes soften. He opens the door as he speaks.] You are such a dork. I'll let you in, but you have to quit singing. [Canada grabs America's arm and pulls him in. There are boos from the voyeurs in the hallway. America yelps as his hand doesn't release quickly enough as it's pulled away from his scrotum.] Plus, I haven't decided if I'm going to beat the ever loving crap out of you or not. I should have you locked in a polish prison.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Mattie, you know the police are used to our antics and won't bother with us as long as we're in this building.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) I'm very close to Poland, I could easily get him to make an exception. Now get on the bed and do what I say.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [America saunters over to the bed. He tosses himself right into the middle of it.] Now who's being dominating?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) It's only because I know you so well. Now shut up and be taught by an expert. You're pretty far gone. [Said as Canada slaps America's erection playfully from the side.] You're a really bad boy; guess I'll have to punish you. [Canada goes to fetch a couple of towels and lubes up.] Okay, now I'm going to get you off once, otherwise you won't be able to concentrate, and I want all of your attention on me, once the fun really begins.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [Canada starts ministering his brother's erection.] From far and wide, [Canada gives a particularly vicious tug and America cums in the towel.] I told you to stop singing; you never would have lasted through the entire song anyway. Now you had better well stand on guard for me, while I prep you.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey, if I don't get to, you don't get to either.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [smirks] That was never part of the arrangement. Remember that you're here on sufferance. [America shifts onto his side as Canada raises his right leg straight into the air with his left hand.] Oh beautiful for spacious skies.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Dude, not cool. I'm not fat.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada's smile is a little too wide and his eyes are a little too bright.] _God, I probably look creepy, but I can't stop grinning like this._ This view of America is great. You should put it on a postcard. [America blushes furiously, while he continues a slow rhythm on his shaft. With the index finger of his right hand, Canada starts caressing the tender skin stretching from America's testicles to his anus. He gently caresses this skin until he finds the sweet spot. This is another way to stimulate the prostate. He rests America's right leg over his left shoulder freeing up his left hand to work America's anus. He takes his middle finger and starts gently pumping America's entrance.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey, are you flipping me the bird in my ass?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Don't be paranoid. [Said with a sly smile.] It just happens to be the longest finger. [Canada finds the other prostate access point in the wall of the colon. He works in a second finger and starts stimulating both points working his left and right hands in time.] This is too easy, did you stretch out ahead of time?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Mmhmmm…Well…huh, huh, huh…I'd hoped…Ahhhh!

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Mhmm, well, then I guess it's about time for Canada to invade America. [Canada removes his hands and gives America a slap on his thigh. America shifts onto his back hiking his legs on either of Canada's shoulders. Canada dips his tip into the forbidden pool, the line that separates brotherly affection from lust. America reaches for Canada's shoulders and pulls him down into a kiss.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Cross the border already. There's nothing to stop you. [But Canada takes it slow and easy. Gently thrusting deeper with each thrust of the hips. America's hands gently outlines his brother's silhouette. Starting at Canada's shoulders and caressing down his sides.] God keep my land glorious and free!

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Canada had just thrust deep into America.] That's not how the song goes. It's not your land. And if you don't stop singing, I'm kicking you back out the door. Just focus on the friction I'm creating on that purple mountain, majesty.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [laughing] I can't believe you said that.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [smiling affectionately] It's no worse than anything you've said all night. [They both keep making sweet love, climaxing together and drifting of in a familiar tangle of limbs.] You know I'm going to have to give you plenty of lessons.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) O Canada, I stand on guard for thee. O Canada, I stand on guard for thee.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Shut up. [There's no real heat in the words. The two are now completely wrapped in sleep.]

**Scene 19:** It's the next morning, America steps out of the shower. Canada has already finished showering and is dressed.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey, Mattie, would you get my clothes from the hall?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) You'll have to borrow some of mine.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Why?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) They're gone. Your clothes aren't in the hallway anymore.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Damn perverts. Wait, even my socks?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Yep. Oh, and the video of you jacking off is on youtube.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Damn. Still, who would steal socks? [Canada just shrugs. America wears Matt's clothes and they head to the meeting. When they enter the meeting room the youtube video is being shown by the projector. America hurries to his spot and turns the projector off. The expected commotion ensues.] Okay, okay, quiet down everyone.

**England:** (2nd worst lover, lazy) America, you're not in charge, Poland is.

**Poland: **I'm like, totally fine with finishing the video.

**England:** (2nd worst lover, lazy)** America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Poland!

[The meeting has been going for some time, when Canada begins talking quietly to America.]

**Canada:** (10th best lover) So, when's our date going to be?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) What? You still want to do that?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Of course, why wouldn't I?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I mean after last night…

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Hey, you're not thinking last night counted as a date?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I got drunk and had sex, it's not that different from a date.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) You embarrassed yourself in the hallway and I took pity on you. That hardly counts as a romantic encounter.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I wasn't embarrassed.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) You should be.

SECTION 6

.

.

country Spending as a percentage of per capita income of highest earners

Norway-197%

Sweden-149%

Denmark-155%

Finland-163%

US-230%

Canada-182%

Australia-239%

Netherlands-148%

Germany-174%

Note: This is not scientific

[The meeting breaks and people start milling around.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Hey, are those my socks?

**Netherlands:** They're not.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) They are, those are my socks. No way would you buy socks like that.

**Netherlands: **They were a gift.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) From whom?

**Netherlands: **I don't have to answer that.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I know they're my socks, they smell like my socks.

**Netherlands:** They don't, I washed them.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You just admitted that they're mine.

**Netherlands:** No, I just said that I washed my socks. They don't smell.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Are you so cheap that you would steal someone's socks?

**Netherlands:** They weren't stolen; they were abandoned property.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You just admitted again, that those are my socks.

**Netherlands:** No I didn't. I'm just saying that if your socks are missing, it's because you abandoned them. People who don't take care of their property don't deserve to have it.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Are you saying it's ok to steal my socks?

**Netherlands:** I'm saying you were unworthy of your socks.

us/gold-blog/currency-wars-russia-netherlands-central-banks-buy-30-34-tonnes-gold-december/

/en/residents/arts-culture-and-community/museums-and-heritage/witness-change-visions-andrews-newton-27

article/why-are-dutch-leaving-netherlands

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**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) It's because they're gold colored, that's why you took my socks.

**Netherlands:** I didn't take your socks and they're mustard colored, not gold.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You're one of Canada's lovers, aren't you?

**Netherlands:** [Has a look of trepidation on his face at the abrupt change of subject.] If you want to know something like that, you should ask Canada.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You know, I've thought this before, but Canada has really strange taste in lovers. I mean, what does he see in you? [Said quieter and more seriously.] How did you win him over?

**Netherlands:** If you're asking about my history with Canada, it's no big secret. He saved me during WWII and looked after my royalty. To this day I send him tulips. He's my hero.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I see. He's your hero. I see. Flowers are romantic. I've never seen Canada with flowers in his hair. He'd look beautiful, like a woodland nymph. I still want my socks back.

**Netherlands:** These aren't your socks.

watch?v=LM2nVlVRMT0

**Scene 20:** America and Canada are walking in the botanical Gardens in Lodz, Poland.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) I'm a little surprised. You've never taken me to a garden before.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Netherlands told me that you like flowers. Horticulture is a common interest; it's something that we both have in common. Matthew, what do you do with all the tulips that Netherlands sends to you?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) I roll around naked in them. _He looks shocked._

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) What? Really?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) _He's blushing. He's totally picturing that._ No, you idiot. He sends bulbs and I plant them. We have a tulip festival.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) We should go.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) _America seems strange. He's much quieter than usual. _[Said quietly.] America…you…

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Matthew, I want to see you with flowers in your hair.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) What, you're talking silly. You're not making sense, America.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Say my name.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) [Blushing.] What?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Say my name, Matthew.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Mr. Jones.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Jerk.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Come on, you sound like Batman's butler.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I was England's butler. If you don't like Alfred, then call me Finny.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Finny?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) For Finnegan; my middle name.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Since when?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) What, you didn't know.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) "Finny's" worse than "Alfred." You know, I remember that time you showed up on my doorstep with a bouquet and two wedding bands.

.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I thought JFK had married us. It was an honest mistake. [America smiles.] I ended up spending the night anyway.

**Canada:** Well, I couldn't turn you away. You looked so disappointed. I still don't get how you could have thought we were married, when neither of us had said the vows.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) You'd look beautiful in a white dress. I want to see you with Agapanthus in your hair.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Why?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) They match your eyes.

**Canada:** _I can't tell what he's thinking._ Alfred, what am I thinking? [America gently takes Canada's chin with his left hand and guides Matthew into a gentle kiss.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Do you have any idea what I see when I look at you? [Canada shakes his head.] I see maiden snow, before the snow plows have spread their sand and salt, before anyone has even set foot outside their door. I see your body glistening, pure and white. I see the colors of the aurora borealis shifting through your eyes. I see an unyielding cold and the fragile strength of those determined to persevere through that cold. I see a form chiseled by the glaciations, filled with fertile earth. [America pauses, a light coming to his eyes and a slight smirk playing around his mouth.] I see a rose red blush staining lily white cheeks.

**Canada:** [Canada swats America's hand away from his chin, but cannot stop blushing.] _God, I want him. Is this America? America, who I hang out with and sometimes get angry with, but have always been so comfortable with. Is this the America with whom I've never held back, because we're brothers and he's so thick skinned, that I could always speak unguardedly?_ I love you.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Canada, I want to see that.

**Canada:** What?

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) I want to see you lying naked amidst the flowers.

**Canada:** What!? America, not here. We can't do that at the botanical garden. Poland will kill us. _God, he's looking at me with those eyes._

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Please, Matthew. Nobody's around.

**Canada:** [Mumbled.] Fine. [Canada slowly disrobes as America watches appreciatively.] _Ah, God, I'm getting a hard on. This is so erotic. _I'm not removing another stich until you take your clothes off as well. It's not fair that I should be the only one naked. _The bastard's smirking._ [America quickly disrobes.] You're completely shaved and completely tanned. A tanning bed? That doesn't look like a tanning bed tan. _Ooops, didn't mean to say that out loud._ [America's grin just gets wider. Canada finishes removing his clothes.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) Now lie down on the flowers.

**Canada:** What? No. They'll be crushed. Plus, I don't want to lie down in fertilizer.

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) It's okay; I have a blanket.

**Canada:** Hey, where'd that come from? [It was a purple and white blanket and America spreads it out on the purple and white flowers.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) There. Now lie down on it.

**Canada:** [Canada lays on the blanket amidst the flowers.] _I feel beautiful. With the way he's looking at me and being framed in flowers, I feel so beautiful. _Wait, is that your phone? _But somehow, I don't really mind. Is exhibitionism catching?_ [Canada poses seductively against the purple and white blossoms.]

**America:** (5th worst lover, dominating) [America goes to Canada, catching some of the flowers with his hand and weaving them into Canada's hair.] That's my Dryad. I love you, Canada.

[America is lying next to Canada. He brushes the line of Canada's jaw with his right index finger, turning Canada's head towards himself. He kisses Canada, his lips only slightly parted. Canada's lips part slightly and America presses the flattened tip of his tongue into Canada's mouth. America draws his tongue back into his mouth savoring the sweet flavor of Canada that lingers on the tip of his tongue. He takes his right hand and runs it down Canada's left side, feeling out the glacially sculpted torso. The tip of America's cock gently thrusts into the skin under Canada's balls. America then guides his head up Canada's shaft until they are tip to tip.]

**Canada:** (10th best lover) What are you doing? Haaaa, aaaaah.

**America:** I'm letting them kiss. Does it bother you?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Mmmhmm, no, but you should start prepping me already. [America pulls out some lube…] Seriously, where were you keeping all this stuff? [and slicks his right middle finger, before probing Canada's entrance.]

**America:** Canada, be ready, a bird is coming home to roost. This is payback for flipping me off that other time.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Just hurry it up. [Canada wraps both his arms around America's shoulders and pulls him into a kiss that slowly deepens in time with America's penetration. America works a second finger into him. Canada gasps with pleasure as America alternates between scissoring and gyrating his fingers in a circular motion. Canada's hands slide down America's back feeling the great plains and sudden angles that are America. America's left hand halts it's exploration of Matthews right thigh as he removes his fingers from Canada's sweet border.

**America:** Mattie, I want to explore Canada.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Let's, together. [America guides his cock head into Canada, making a few gentle thrusts. Then he works his way deeper into his brother.]

**America:** _This feels right. This is how it should be. We belong together._ I love you Mattie! God, I love you more than anyone. [America is measured thrusts that slowly gather speed. Canada moves his hands over his lover's torso mapping out the familiar territory.]

**Canada:** (10th best lover) I want you to be mine Al; I want you to be mine alone. I don't want any other country to touch you or even see your naked body. I don't want them anywhere near you. Don't they know that you're mine.

**America:** Is that why you told me to stop having sex with the others?

**Canada:** (10th best lover) It wasn't the only reason. I know that you have other… obligations, to China, Japan, and such. I understand, we all do, but sometimes I dream about an eternity with just you and me. Our breathing is synced; our hearts naturally beat as one. No one fits each other so perfectly as the two of us. [America responds with his body. His hips thrusting in Canada and his hands working Canada's erection matching the rhythm of their ever increasing heart rates.]

**America:** There are times, brother, there are times when I can feel your blood coursing through my veins. I want us to stay connected like this forever. I don't want our bodies to be separated for even a moment. [Canada can't respond as they both climax together.]

**Canada:** (10th best lover) _I feel complete. It is only at these moments that I truly feel complete._

[Once they came down from their high, they noticed Poland staring at them with some burly police behind him.]

**Poland:** Man, this is like so totally not cool. You are like going to totally reimburse me for this. Arrest the tan one; it's probably his fault anyway.

**America:** What? Why just me? That's no fair.

**Poland:** I'm giving you a pass this time, Canada, but I won't next time. Understood.

**Canada:** (10th best lover) Yes. I'm sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm taking a hiatus from this work to pursue something that has come to of greater concern to me based on my most recent readings.


End file.
